AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE CHAPTERS
(from National Science of Mind Center Newsletter)

CHAPTER 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless. It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

CHAPTER 2
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in, again.
I can't believe I'm in this same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

CHAPTER 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I fall in... it's a habit... but my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

CHAPTER 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

CHAPTER 5
I walk down a different street.
- Anonymous

HENRY

It was a quiet lovely morning, and Victoria was, again, sitting on Henry's blue porch, following the waves rolling in over the beach. A beautiful scene of action. Soothing. Eternal. She paid attention to her own breathing. Calm and deep, and all of a sudden she realized she wasn't thinking about anything. Not about work, bills, the aching tooth... Nothing.Victoria was truly happy she, yet another time, had taken the time to drive out here. To Henry and the ocean. She took a deep breath, and exhaled slowly. The sound of a powerful wave hitting the shore below them. She watched Henry, who was following the soft movements of a bird right above the surface of the water, with the binoculars tight to his eyes.

- Beautiful. Good aviator, he whispered.

Victoria was filled with affection for this man. She watched him in silence. They did not talk a lot. Henry believed that you should speak, only when you have something to say - otherwise it is only emptiness being transferred. The person talking does not give, and the person listening does not receive anything, but it takes time, and energy, and after such a conversation, both parts end up feeling weak. It is better to be quiet, and listen.. In silence is abundance.

- One day you'll understand what I mean, he said, if you listen carefully.

TO HEAR IS ONE THING
TO LISTEN ANOTHER

- But first of all, you have to learn the difference between hearing and listening, because that's two completely different things. Once you've listened seriously, you'll realize the difference. She expected him to go on, but instead he stood up, and picked up an Army-knife from the pocket of his jeans.

- Excellent tool, Henry commented, as he lifted the red little knife toward the sun, as if to emphasize what he had just said. An Army-knife, and a cold German beer - life doesn't get any better.

He pulled off the bottle-top with ease. Carefully he filled up the glasses, and passed one to her. He took a sip, and then continued his reasoning.

- Vicky, he said, he had given her that nickname the very first time they met. You see, most people are good at being in the "hearing", this "every-day-state-of-mind" of a complete buzz. The TV is on, so is the dishwasher, the kids are playing, the cars are passing by, the phone is ringing, and as you're in the middle of a conversation you're planning the next meal in your own world of thoughts.

- Do you recognize the picture? Henry asked, and smiled at her.

She nodded with a heavy sigh. The description itself made her tired.

- The hearing world is like one big dough. The ingredients are all blended, and it's hard to tell one thing from the other. If you feel stress, is it because of something being said on the TV? Is it because the kids are fighting? Because the person on the phone is saying something upsetting, or is it possibly something that popped up in your head, that makes you feel stressed out? You see, if you constantly live in this buzz, you'll have a hard time separating what comes from you, and what comes from the outside. Listening, however, will help you do that. But, listening is a skill that has to be trained. It doesn't just happen all on its own. It's rather a state of mind that you have to attain, where the thoughts are still, and where you're completely present in the moment, imbibing what's inside of yourself. It's a calm, still, and observing state of mind, which gives the listener a chance to see, and feel, where the limit between others and the self is drawn.

LIFE BECOMES RICH AND MAGICAL

Accordingly, you can better understand what's around you, and also what's really a product of your own imagination. The better you become at listening, the more you will see, and understand. Life gets filled up with pearls you never even knew existed. You will see connections between what you used to believe were isolated, random incidents. Nuances, that used to be hidden behind the buzz, will appear clear as glass. Life becomes rich, sometimes even magical.

It was all so strange. It was like she had always known Henry, even though it was less than two months since they first met. Her boss had rushed in, and almost yelled out of excitement, that they had gotten the huge assignment. The emotions steaming within him had even made him forget about his usual stiffness. Richard had grabbed her, hugged her, and slapped her hard on the back.

- Victoria, you've done a damn good job, I couldn't have done it better myself! he had said.

What had started as a piece of advice, at a private dinner-party, had now become reality. She had managed to close the deal, which aimed at modernizing the information-flow for one of the mid-sized companies in the country, with affiliates at several places in the world. For Dateline, her employer, the deal meant about 10 million SEK in remuneration for the next two years.

She had struggled to get the deal for almost a year. The last three months, she had been released from her regular position as a programmer in the Internet-department. Now she knew that she would never return to that position again. Instead , she would have free hands to put together a group of five consultants, including herself. The group would merely work with the Heiko-corporation, and, on top of that, she had gotten the responsibility to inform and educate the 20-something employees at Heiko, who would perform the actual changes within the company. It was a matter of needlepoint-technology. The absolutely latest on the market, and she was right in the midst of it. Heiko wanted to communicate internally via their own net. That way the information flowed faster, and was simultaneously fairly protected from industrial espionage. Externally, the information would, of course, run via the Internet.

The arrangements for Heiko were outstanding. Economically, there was a lot of money to make, in the long run. Among other things, they would eliminate expensive business-trips, including allowances and hotel-stays. Instead, the affiliates and the headquarter could "meet" on the net, by use of digital cameras. In time, this would include, if not the end, at least a severe cut of the now common ways of communication: telephones, fax-machines, cell-phones, telex, letters...

Personally, she was now to be sent to a couple of weekend-programs. "Be more aware of your role as a leader", one was called, "How to build your Dreamteam", another. The expensive, attractive courses were already booked - by herself. She had told Richard, a couple of months earlier, that she wanted to be well prepared, just in case... Victoria had been so sure of this, that she would close the deal, that she had not been surprised when Richard rushed in to break the news. What did surprise her, on the other hand, and also scared her, was her reaction. This ultimate victory, this high prize, ought to be felt physically. She searched for her emotions, but no, she felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. If she felt anything, it was indifference. The thoughts about the consequences, however, touched her strongly. The rope around her neck almost felt real. What was now laid out in front of her was more responsibility, more loyalty, more work-hours. More coffee and sleepless nights. Where would kids, husband, family fit in? Where would she find room for spare-time? Friends? Life? She was now even more unfree, trapped in a corner she had painted herself into - by her own free will, but still without realizing it. The sweetness of success really didn't taste like she had imagined it.

- Thanks Richard, that was nice of you to say, she said.

Richard smiled at her, then turned to the entire office, cupped his hands, like a megaphone, around his mouth.

- LISTEN UP EVERYBODY! Now we'll have CAKE and CHAMPAGNE!

Anita, the secretary, was already on her way in with two heavy bags from the liquor-store in one hand, and three large, white cake-boxes in the other. It seemed hard to balance and Victoria rushed forward to help her out. The champagne-glasses, bought for birthdays and special occasions, were taken out of the cupboards, and after Richard had held a short, but warm, speech to Victoria, and the general buzz of the office-staff had started, Victoria seized the opportunity to sneak out. The day was almost over anyway, and she left the office with quick steps, without saying goodbye to anyone but the receptionist.

Victoria had taken her car and driven toward the ocean, to be on her own for a while. After about half an hour she had turned onto a small gravel road, and shifted gears in order to make it up the steep hill. Up on the very top, she spotted the house. She almost lost her breath. It was so cool. Masculine. Powerful and distinct. Minimalist and naked, but yet magnificent. Blueish grey, plastered facade. Grey roof. Large, friendly windows, and an inviting entry. It was so beautifully situated, in complete harmony with its environment. She was captured, and simply could not make herself pass it by. Today, she could not recall how she ended up on Henry's porch, only that she had been sitting there for several hours that first day, and that she had returned again and again and again.

Looking back, it was like it was all meant to happen. It was like if someone had made sure that she ended up there, outside of Henry's house, that very day. That particular afternoon. That was how she experienced it - and she assumed that Henry did too, but she had never bothered to ask. Their relation just felt natural. Simple. They carried the same rhythm - in spite of the difference in age, in spite of the fact that their lives were very different. If they had met a couple of years earlier, Victoria would, for sure, had been frightened - and confused. What would it have entailed for her relation with her husband Linus? It had always been easy for her to have doubts in existing love, as soon as a new strong love crossed her path. As if she had to leave the old one, when a new showed up. As if all love had a sexual purpose. As if only a certain amount of love could be managed at one time. Victoria sighed in gratitude over the fact that she seemed to have matured a little bit. Henry was simply a new - extremely different - friend, who enriched her life. They were in tune with each other. Soul mates.

- Here, he said, and handed her the binoculars, look beyond the church, along the waterfront. If you look carefully, you'll see a house with a large sign.

She looked that way, past a couple of small houses, and, a little by itself, she saw the house and the sign.

- The Café of Joy, is that it?

- Exactly, I'm going to take you there on a rainy day, when other people stay at home and we'll get to have it to ourelves, and if we're lucky, the owner will spend some time on us.

- It seems to be a special little café, Victoria said, and studied it a little extra in the binoculars.

- That's what I think, but you have to judge for yourself, the day we get there.

THE WORDGADGET

The porch was enormous, 120 square meters to be exact. Victoria had entertained herself with calculating during her walks. Somtimes she walked in circles, sometimes in long, stretched out eights, but most often, back and forth along the long side of the porch, which ran parallel with the ocean, a few meters from the waterline.

When she leaned her hips against the rail, and stretched her arms up in the air, like the wings of a bird, it felt like she was flying. The foam, the surge, the roar, the wind. She was embraced by nature. She was one with everything. She was whole, and completely happy. A small tear ran down her cheek. She couldn't determine if it was the powerful wind, or the happiness, that made her eyes tear up.

She glanced at Henry, who sat with the binoculars directed toward the waves. Words like respect, humbleness, integrity, gratitude... passed through her head, and here, in the stillness, it seemed like a deeper meaning of the words revealed itself to her. But only for a short while. Then the energy disappeared again. It was like she had gotten a glance of something big, and she longed for more. She had a thousand questions in her head, but didn't want to disturb Henry. Finally, it was he, who broke the silence.

- Vicky, have you thought about the meaning of your life?

- Yes, of course, many times.

- So, what did you come up with?

- Nothing. Nothing that feels important anyway.

- How come?

- How come? What do you mean? It's an incredibly hard question. Basically impossible to answer.

- Yes, if you believe it's impossible to answer, then it becomes impossible.

- What do you mean?

Henry thought for a while, then he wound the shoulder-strap around the binoculars and handed them over.

- Please, put them through there, he said, and pointed at the hole in the middle of the table, which was supposed to hold a parasol.

- What?

- You heard me. You'll get a thousand bucks, if you make it.

Victoria looked at the hole, then at the binoculars. It only took a quick look to realize that the hole was a lot smaller than the binoculars. - But, I couldn't even get... nah, it doesn't work, look for yourself.

- You don't even want to try?

- No.

- So, you mean it's impossible?

- Yepp, no doubt, Victoria said.

- OK, Henry said, this is exactly my point, you don't even try to find a solution in your head - even though I'd give you a thousand bucks if you made it!

- Well, but anyone can see that the binoculars are way bigger than the whole in the table. The task is impossible to perform!

Henry looked seriously at Victoria.

GOOD THINKERS TRAIN THEIR MINDS

- You're mistaken. And in the same way you go wrong with these binoculars and that hole, you also go wrong with other things in your life. Because your way of thinking is the same throughout - just like swimming is the same, no matter if you're in a pool, in a lake, or in the ocean. If you want to become a better swimmer, change of water won't do the trick, you have to practice the swimming itself. If you want to become a better thinker, you have to train your way of thinking.

- Really, Victoria said. Then would you, please, put the binoculars through that hole, and we'll see how easy it is.

- Sure, Henry said, I just have to go get something first.

- But, that's cheating!

- Not at all.

- I wasn't allowed to use any tools!

- You weren't? I didn't stop you. All I said was that you should put the binoculars through the hole, then you assumed you weren't allowed to use any tools. Henry smiled roguishly. He took the binoculars back, and went over to the garage, and disappeared into the darkness. After a while he came back out, with the binoculars around his neck, in one hand he held a hammer, and in the other, a large piece of fabric and a rope. He crossed over the porch, toward the stone, which the porch partially rested on, in the far corner. First he laid the fabric out on top of the stone, then he took the binoculars off and put them onto the fabric, and with the rope he tied the fabric together, with the binoculars inside, like a small sack. Then he lifted the hammer into the air and, with full power, he hit the sack. Crash. The binoculars broke into a thousand pieces. Henry gave Victoria a big smile, and hurried over to the table, opened up the sack , and dropped the ex-binoculars through the hole, piece by piece.

- See? Easy as pie! Right through the hole, Henry laughed.

Victoria watched the pieces as they landed on the floor.

- Uhu! she said. Henry looked content and amused.

- The problem is, you interpreted my question in a way that made it impossible for you to find a solution, but Vicky, I really didn't ask you to necessarily put a WHOLE pair of binoculars into the hole, that was your interpretation of what I said.

- And what do you want to prove with this! That you have a lot of money, and can afford to smash an expensive pair of binoculars without blinking!

- Now you're wrong again, he said, and looked even more content, and what's even worse; you're blaming me for something I haven't even done. If you'd paid better attention, you'd have seen that the binoculars I brought from the garage were NOT the same as the ones I brought with me in there. Henry snuck one arm behind his back and in under his shirt, and pulled out the binoculars that were hidden in his shorts.

- Here are the excellent, splendid binoculars, the ones under the table were worthless - even before I smashed them. They weren't even repairable, but now they work to state an example of how our ways of thinking can stop us from finding new, creative solutions, and how our eyes can make us believe that we see things that actually aren't there.

- But what would you have done, if I took your new binoculars and broke them? Then you'd lost both them and a thousand bucks!

- Don't get mad now, Vicky, but even though that was a risk, it was marginal and worth to put at stake. First of all, you're way to well-behaved to smash a pair of binoculars, the thought wouldn't even strike you, which is good, in many ways... Second of all, you're not technical enough to screw binoculars apart. Also, as far as this example goes, the reason to why you didn't find a solution, was that you're a "prisoner" of your own personality, but you don't need to be sorry, we are all, more or less, prisoners in that regard.

Victoria had gotten up, and stood with her hands on her hips, looking out over the ocean. Her eyes were somewhat absent. She did not really know what to think. She did not really get what the reasoning was about any longer. Henry pulled her back to the core.

- The conclusion is, that if you decide beforehand , that you can't find the meaning of life, then you won't. It's that simple.

YOU CONFIRM YOUR BELIEFS ABOUT REALITY

Henry paused, and glanced at the beach, where a lonely woman was walking her dog. The dog was wild and happy, and seemed eager to run in its own pace, but the woman kept the leash in a secured hand, even though her walk looked like a true struggle.

- The fact of the matter is, that you constantly seek confirmation of what you believe is the reality. If you believe that the world is a struggle, then that's what you look to get confirmed, just like the woman over there. If you ask her about life, if she sees it as a struggle, she'll probably say "yes". At least that's what her behavior toward the dog tells us. If she'd believed that life was to be lived fully, to be free and easygoing, she'd long to set the dog free as soon as she got down to this empty beach, and she, as well as the dog, would've been free, and the experience of this walk would've been completely different.

Henry's gaze left the woman, and he turned back to Victoria.

- Another example. Most parents are convinced that their little children will learn how to ride a bike one day. It's a matter of course and not something parents ever question, Nor do the kids, because they still haven't learned to be afraid to dare. They try, succeed, and fail now and then, and it's no big deal, since that's pretty much what life is about - to dare. So, even though the child have to go through a full line of difficulties, and even fall and get hurt from time to time, the parents never ever doubt that their kids will make it, and because of their persistence they do ride their bikes eventually. The beliefs of the parents become the reality of the kids, don't they?! The same goes for reading, calculating, swimming, and everything else the kids are expected to manage one day.

Henry made another pause, in order for his reasoning to sink in.

- With the same naturalness to learn and develop, the parents could approach their own tasks, but they don't. On the contrary, they get more and more convinced that they can't, don't have the knowledge, not the talent, they've become too old...subsequently more things become "impossible", in their illusionary world, each year that goes by. They convince themselves that something is impossible - before they've even tried. In this manner they shrink their worlds, and their lives become more empty, boring, and dull.

A plane passed above them. Henry pointed at it.

- If no one in history ever believed that it was possible for man to fly, then do you think we would've had airplanes today?

He answered the question himself.

- No, of course not. We can fly today, because once there were people who believed it to be possible. They were people, who were very passionate about their ideas, and who were willing to fight to make them a reality - even though they realized they'd never live to see them in their lifetime, and even though they lived in a time when others probably considered it to be impossible, foolish, and even dangerous, to get people into the air.

Of course Henry was right. She had not thought about it that way before - that everything had started as an idea and a belief in someone. The same thing must apply to all other inventions as well. The car, the refrigerator, the computer, the telephone... Yes, it must apply to all development.

DETECTIVE WITH SOLE RESPONSIBILITY